We Came for Answers, Now we Have Questions
By Matthew Budd
During the retreats we discover many things. We develop further our ability to be self reflective and honest. Listening to our body and our language are tools for self-reflection. Meditation puts us in a space that assists this activity, i.e. self-reflection. We have many new tools.
We also begin to see our life as an unfolding of history, i.e personal, social, and the heritage of our species speaking life through our body and psyche, for both good and bad. We see that our history dominates our presence and robs us of freedom, creativity and love. We see that our true Self, the full potential that we are gifted with by life itself, is only partially expressed into our days, dominated as we are by survival-based habit.
As we discover this we are sometimes sad…with a sense of lost time and opportunity. We are also elated by a sense of freedom from unknown unconscious forces. Now we have met the enemy and he/she is us. In this “aha” moment our faces change, our bodies shift, we are filled with aliveness and opportunity.
Then we leave the intensity and safety of the retreat. What now?
I want to emphasize two responses to this important question in this note.
First, only by regular practice and continual learning will you be able to maintain and expand your awareness. What you experienced at the Retreat is both fragile and real. We all witnessed the expansion of the ego-self. We saw it for sure; we felt it in a mood of elation. But this way of being is fragile like a newborn infant. This expansion must be cared for, nurtured, and nourished or else it cannot grow. Practices like meditation, journaling, body-work, etc. will help. But this new opening, I call it “Vacancy in the Ego Space” must be filled or else it will collapse.
Hence the need for continued learning and creativity. Some people find therapy or actual analysis helps to nourish this growth. Courses in Somatics (Like those at the Strozzi Institute) build new distinctions in awareness. Further loosening the grip on us of our personal history (as in the Hoffman Process) can expand Ego Space and consciousness.
But when all is said and done, when we have done and continue to do our homework, the journey is ours alone. It is personal, unique, and our very own journey. There is no one to rely on, no map, and no formula. Wish as we may for someone to allow our Self to lean on, we have only our Self and the Universe, of God.
What does our true Self want in its personal relationships? What meaning do we want to cloak our lives in? What art, music, and poetry does our soul anoint?
Hillel’s questions become compelling and cry for answer. These questions are:
- If I am not for me, who will be? What does it mean to be for me?
- If I am only for me what am I ?
- If not now, when?
Ultimately there are no answers to these questions. They are questions to live with, not to answer.
I extend my love to you as you each go forth seeking your Truth.
So we came to the Retreats looking for answers, and left with deep and lifelong unanswerable questions. May your search be patient, passionate, and filled with Love.