The term recover has always bothered me. To cover means to hide, to obscure, to place a lid over. But this is far from what I see happening at the retreats. The power of the retreats is not in what is RE-Covered, but in what is UN-Covered.
The term uncover seems more appropriate to me. To me this means to reveal, to expose, to manifest. So I would call what happens at the retreats is more like an “uncovery” than a recovery, if you get what I mean.
But what is uncovered? What is uncovered is the joy, the energy, the power of the natural state of being. We naturally are alive, vigorous, curious, loving and present. Through our CT’s, developed to protect ourselves, we become angry, defensive, defended, and hidden. Our true self is lost. “I suddenly found myself in the middle of a dark wood, where the true way was lost” says Dante as he begins the Divine Comedy.
Remember the energetic day with Lora. Each of you expressed the emotions of your pain…anger, sadness, grief, frustration, even rage. Emotionally you emptied. For some time, maybe permanently, your CT’s lost their charge. The magnitude of your defensive emotions may have even frightened you. Some of you, even while watching the person on the cushion, wanted to hide, to run from the ferocity of the emotions that you saw… that were revealed to be in you also. But you stayed, you steadied, you faced it, challenged it, went through it, and on the other side something that many of you have not felt for a long time if ever emerged… your Self. And your were conscious of it, you saw it. You laughed, you reported bright colors, you were at ease and connected deeply with other people and with the world, the birds, the flowers, the clear Maine air.
What happened was an “uncovery”, not a recovery. Something that was always there, always present, but had been obscured by life trauma and your patterns of defense emerged…and it was grand, lovely, and whole. You experienced a moment of healing.
So now as you go home you know something new… you know who you are in your wholeness. But by now life has begun to barge in. The same old job, the same old people, the same old patterns may have emerged. The same old “recovery” if you get what I mean.
But now two things are different and these two things make ALL the difference. Now you know that you have patterns that “cover”, but you also know that you can “uncover”, be vulnerable but prudent, be alive and present. You know something, the knowing of which changes everything. You know that your soul is alive and well. And moreover you know that through practice you can gradually dissolve the patterns that bind your Soul in chains and Uncover.
I remind you again that it will take practice, and the practice of practices.
]]>During the retreats we discover many things. We develop further our ability to be self reflective and honest. Listening to our body and our language are tools for self-reflection. Meditation puts us in a space that assists this activity, i.e. self-reflection. We have many new tools.
We also begin to see our life as an unfolding of history, i.e personal, social, and the heritage of our species speaking life through our body and psyche, for both good and bad. We see that our history dominates our presence and robs us of freedom, creativity and love. We see that our true Self, the full potential that we are gifted with by life itself, is only partially expressed into our days, dominated as we are by survival-based habit.
As we discover this we are sometimes sad…with a sense of lost time and opportunity. We are also elated by a sense of freedom from unknown unconscious forces. Now we have met the enemy and he/she is us. In this “aha” moment our faces change, our bodies shift, we are filled with aliveness and opportunity.
Then we leave the intensity and safety of the retreat. What now?
I want to emphasize two responses to this important question in this note.
First, only by regular practice and continual learning will you be able to maintain and expand your awareness. What you experienced at the Retreat is both fragile and real. We all witnessed the expansion of the ego-self. We saw it for sure; we felt it in a mood of elation. But this way of being is fragile like a newborn infant. This expansion must be cared for, nurtured, and nourished or else it cannot grow. Practices like meditation, journaling, body-work, etc. will help. But this new opening, I call it “Vacancy in the Ego Space” must be filled or else it will collapse.
Hence the need for continued learning and creativity. Some people find therapy or actual analysis helps to nourish this growth. Courses in Somatics (Like those at the Strozzi Institute) build new distinctions in awareness. Further loosening the grip on us of our personal history (as in the Hoffman Process) can expand Ego Space and consciousness.
But when all is said and done, when we have done and continue to do our homework, the journey is ours alone. It is personal, unique, and our very own journey. There is no one to rely on, no map, and no formula. Wish as we may for someone to allow our Self to lean on, we have only our Self and the Universe, of God.
What does our true Self want in its personal relationships? What meaning do we want to cloak our lives in? What art, music, and poetry does our soul anoint?
Hillel’s questions become compelling and cry for answer. These questions are:
Ultimately there are no answers to these questions. They are questions to live with, not to answer.
I extend my love to you as you each go forth seeking your Truth.
So we came to the Retreats looking for answers, and left with deep and lifelong unanswerable questions. May your search be patient, passionate, and filled with Love.
]]>Courage. A powerful word, yet one I took for granted until recently.
During a conference call last week, one of the callers reported the transition she and her family are undergoing as they sell their home and leave everything they know behind, purchase acres of open land across the country and embark on designing the life they have been dreaming of for years. She was acknowledged for her courageousness. Then someone added that the word “courage” derives from the Latin room “cor” meaning, “heart”. This gave me pause.
Since that conversation, I’ve been reflecting on the meaning of courage and what inspires one to act with courage. The Oxford English Dictionary defines it as “the heart as the seat of feeling, thought.” For one to move with courage, there must be heart or passion. To be a stand for something. To continue on while facing the unknown and uncertainty. When one acts with courage, she dances between conviction and vulnerability.
As I continue my reflection – I recognize the acts of courage all around me: a toddler jumping in the water for the first time, a mother preparing for labor, a man starting his own business, and a woman who has cancer for the second time and dares to live her life to the fullest and follow her dreams. These are all acts of courage. It really takes something to push past our comfortable boundaries and extend towards something just beyond our reach.
I have the distinct honor to witness remarkable acts of courage at the healing retreats at F. Holland Day House. The participants are extraordinarily courageous and incredibly vulnerable women. They come to not only heal from a cancer diagnosis or trauma but also to reclaim their life and full self expression.
Each woman declares that she will no longer allow cancer or her past to identify or stop her. Just like a warrior princess, she takes a dignified stand as she stares at the face of fear and self doubt and claims what is rightfully hers: her own precious, beautiful life. By the end of week-long retreat, her courageousness pays off. She truly embodies her declared destiny.
These women are some of the most courageous human beings I am privileged to know.
“It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.” – Alan Cohen
Questions to invite reflection:
Remember… it takes just one step at a time and one breath at a time. As the famous saying goes, “Rome was not built in one night.”
I would love to hear what shifts occur when you take on a courageous act. Be bold and courageous and email me to let me know how it’s going. And if you are feeling stopped or stuck, be bold and a stand for your courageousness and contact me.
Blessings,
Lora
Lora@LyonsLeadershipCoaching.com
]]>By V.H.
Extreme Boundaries
Scared
Alone
Heart Closed
Makeup On
Guard Up
Feelings Trapped Inside
Warrior Hiding
Change
No More Boundaries
Heart Lay Open
Feelings Pouring Forth
Wounds Healing
Makeup Off
Guard Down
Warrior Standing Ground
Change
I Changed
By M.J.T.
When the stress and strain
of daily life
become so thick you can
literally cut them with a knife
Lie down, breathe deeply
Use your imagination
to allow the stress to release completely
In you mind build a wall
brick by brick
and on each one write a feeling
with a pretend stick
Release the anger, fear, resentment, pain
and at anytime add someone’s name
Build the wall high and wide
till all the bad feelings subside
Now look at the wall
so tall and tight
completely blocking out
the beautiful, healing light
The time is right to reconnect to that light
SO………..
Grab a grenade
give it you best toss
and all your stress will be blown up and lost
The light enfolds you like a warm tranquil lake
as the wall crumbles down and the light escapes
Now you can breathe
Now you can rest
without the weight of stress
bearing down on your chest
By K.W.
My body has been my co-conspirator in my life.
Giving me reasons
To go to bed…
And rest…
And sleep…
And escape…
Generously providing me with excuses…
Rationalizations…
And justifications…
So that I can
Give up…
Not take risks…
And stay within the small box of my comfort zone.
Giving me peace with my unlived life…
Reasons for my constant aching…
My body and my mind have been my co-conspirators in my life.
Clinging together to obscure my soul,
Teaming up to insure that my soul’s song never gets sung…
Making so much noise…
That my soul’s gentle stillness and bashful exuberance,
Are never heard…
Or honored…
Or truly lived…
One day, my mind became aware,
And aligned with my soul,
The energy was electric.
My body clamored for attention,
Making quite a racket,
Enjoining my mind
To convince my soul to be reasonable…
And understand…
The numerous illnesses
And pains…
And issues…
That my poor body had to endure and contend with.
But when my mind stood allied with my soul,
And took charge,
And were willing to gently nurture my body along…
I was free.
My vision cleared.
And my soul’s song grew louder…
And more beautiful…
And strong …
And alive…
I am free.
]]>We are trapped, all of us, in a 300 year old way of thinking. During the 17th century science began, scientific thinking. People began to think of how to understand an objective world, a world of things. One of the things to be understood was the body.
The brilliance of the human mind produced the fruits of discovery that we now call modern medicine and science. The body can be seen as another thing to be understood and worked on. So enters modern medicine.
Now we are beginning to understand life, and the body, in a much bigger context. The physical body is also capable of generating a set of functions that we call mind, including emotions, memories, and a buried unconscious heritage from lives gone before us. We call this archetypal memory.
Moreover these functions called mind, and the body that generated them, are a unity- one thing, not a crowd, just one thing. So memory and emotion show up in the muscles, bones, and organs AND actions of the muscles, bones and organs CHANGE our minds. This is what a unity is.
At the Retreats we learn in this new and growing awareness, the awareness of Unity. We work psychologically, emotionally and spiritually, but also somatically, on the body, to discover and change.
In this edition of the newsletter several members of our team will describe how they direct their talents to body learning in the service of our healing.
]]>The ability to self-heal is our birthright, and the power of healing lies within the wisdom of our body. This is an innate gift. We each have access to it.
However, we live in a culture and a time where we are constantly "wired" to electronic devices such as cell phones and laptops and our schedules demand our time more than ever before. As a result, we are cut off from our intuitive senses and have lost connection to our most precious resource: the body.
To return to the body requires awareness and practice. We are always practicing something and the more we practice, we eventually embody it. For example, if you know how to drive a standard car, most likely you endured a process that involved stalling the engine and starting it up again. Repeatedly. After numerous attempts, you successfully shifted the car and eased it into motion. Over time, driving a standard becomes second nature requiring almost no effort at all. However, to get to that point took a lot of practice and commitment. The steps to learn this new skill were simple, but not always easy.
The same process is involved in the practice of returning to the life of the body. When we are connected to our body, we have the capacity to source our innate power to self-heal, self-learn and self-generate. When learning anything new, the practice may be simple, but not necessarily easy.
The good news is that we can source our innate ability to heal right now, in this very moment. And the way to do that is through the practice of being centered or fully present in the moment. When we are centered, we are present to our self and others, open to possibility, and connected to what we care most about.
You can begin this practice right now. It's simple. Here's how:
The place of center is an experience. Being centered is an energetic presence that is achieved through practice. When we relax into our body, we increase our capacity to experience vitality and appreciate the moments that make up our precious life. Our bodies already know how to heal. To reclaim this power requires practice and commitment. Your life depends on it. Why not begin today?
]]>As Matt describes, we are not machines with separate parts. Our bodies, minds, emotions and spirits exist in a unified field of energy and chemistry, each dimension flowing and changing in response to the others in a dynamic whole. When this natural flow is allowed and unblocked, we are fully alive and balanced, experiencing life in an authentic and present way. This, I believe, is "Health".
When we stop this natural flow on any dimension, we loose our aliveness. When we stop an emotion, consciously or unconsciously, from awareness or expression, we impede the functioning of our cells and systems. Our muscles and connective tissues tense, the blood vessels and vital organs constrict, the breath diminishes; all to help stem the flow of our authentic experience. This also happens in response to conscious and unconscious negative thoughts, perceptions and decisions about ourselves and life that we acquire from childhood on. Our "conditioned tendencies" literally sculpt our bodies into a posture that then perpetuates our pain and limitation and determines our experiences of the present and future.
In the retreats as in my private practice, my intention (and my joy) is to assist people in becoming aware of and releasing this posture. With the use of breath, visualization, body dialoguing, expressive movement, voice and touch, we explore where holding and depletion exist in the body. We find through metaphor and direct experience, how the body is expressing our emotional and psychological states and our conditioned tendencies. Then through compassionate allowing, we invite the body-mind-spirit to unwind.
With the courage to feel, express and literally stand in our truth, our whole being emerges by it's own wisdom into it's natural posture of freedom, balance, and empowerment.
I invite you take moments during your day to pause and check in with your body's posture. Notice how you are breathing. Where is your body tight, constricted, and where is it open, where do you feel energy moving and where is there no movement? Can you feel your legs/your connection to the ground? How does this body reflect your mood, thoughts and emotional experience?
Ask these questions without judging yourself. Developing a compassionate witness for what is true in your body and experience in every moment is the most powerful tool toward healing. Often just bringing awareness to our holding, becoming present with ourselves on all dimensions, allows the flow of energy to open, and shift to happen. Once you have felt how your body has been restricted, ask where you can expand. Bring breath into the places of holding and allow them to begin to move. Perhaps your chest can lift and open, your breath deepen, your jaw soften. Allow your body to open into a posture of willingness, strength, possibility. We all know what that looks like.
And finally, notice (again without judgment) whether this feels comfortable or uncomfortable. Just notice. The more we are aware of the structure we live in, the more we can make choices and learn to live in who we really are.
Namaste,
Alison
]]>The Movement of Breath is the basic rhythm of life
When I am attuned to my own breathing
When this feels comfortable to me
I know that I am grounded
When I am grounded I can better connect to
myself and to others.
When I am better connected to myself and others
I can deal much easier with whatever comes my way
So when the going gets rough for me
I can always remember to simply slow it down
And breathe.
Breathing in, my belly expands
Breathing out, my belly contracts.
Lets take 20 simple breaths together
Find a place to sit where you feel comfortable
Try to balance the way you sit
So that the right and left sides of your body
Are doing something similar.
See if you can find a tree outside to focus upon
Take your time
Breathe in and out as deeply and fully as you can
Concentrate on being in the present moment
Breathing in through the nose
And out through the nose
Lets do this 5 times
Breathing in through the nose
And out through the mouth
Lets do this 5 times
Breathing in through the mouth
And out through the nose
Lets do this 5 times
Breathing in through the mouth
And out through the mouth
Lets do this 5 times
This is our starting point together
Remember always
When the going gets rough
Just try to remember to breathe.
Your body - your one, small, unique, human body - is an intricate sense organ, taking in information from all around you, then informing you in a myriad of ways about the world in which you live. A day of sun after many days of rain may well demonstrate this. Recall how your body drinks in the light and warmth, how it opens and unfolds. So, too, a stressful environment results in a feeling of tension, tightness, closing.
Our jobs as tenants in these bodies is to bring enough awareness to the choices we make so as to allow our bodies to process this ongoing dialogue, change and grow, without accumulating a burden of unprocessed, ignored information. This accumulation of stored information drains us of essential life force energy, often surfaces as disease, and can become a destructive force in our relationships.
In my work as a yoga teacher, I guide practitioners to notice sensation. What are you feeling (physically, emotionally, mentally, energetically) as you take on any endeavor - be it a yoga posture, sitting in traffic or pulling weeds from your garden? How much of you is willing to be in present time? Are you ready to take the brave step of meeting the information that comes in through the filter of your body as it comes in?
Breath, body, movement and sensation provide gateways into our inner realms. Yoga practice prepares us for the continual practice of living. In practice, we can glimpse our patterns, reconnect in present time and feel the results of choices we make in new ways. We can construct a sense of trust and appreciation for our bodies that allow us to experience groundedness - connection to Earth - and see ourselves as interdependent organisms. When we feel this level of belonging and responsibility, we can make choices that heal ourselves and the world in which we are interwoven.
]]>One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.
For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.
After 2 years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."
Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.
Connie Reider will be the keynote speaker at The Utah Cancer Control Program in Salt Lake City on May 3 and 4 at the University Park Marriott Hotel hosted by the Utah Department of Health http//health.utah.gov/ucan/cancer/2007conf/brochure.pdf Connie will be speaking to 100 nurses on the first day and 100 doctors on the second day and will also be on a survivor's panel.
]]>Practices make better, never perfect, biologic systems, and we are one of those, a system of recurrence. So are toasters, engines, ipods, etc. All of these entities are governed by structures which determine responses. When you press the lever the toaster toasts. When you turn the key the engine turns over. When you press the button the ipod sings what you recorded, it does not make up new tunes.
Are you beginning to see how we are like that: machines of recurrence. When someone throws a ball we automatically catch it, or not. When someone hands us a book, we open it right to left (or if you are Hebrew, left to right.) For sure we too, are structure determined systems.
Our structure also governs our social and personal lives. We set tables in a particular way. We drive on the right side of the road. We pray in congregations or groups; Buddhists mostly pray alone. When we travel to a foreign culture we are able to witness other lives that are structured differently… hopefully we witness this with respect and wonder.
When a child of ours resists, we act in a structured way. When our spouse differs in taste or behavior or opinion we react in a particular way, all determined by our structure. Or when the boss or teacher offers criticism, we react in a way that our structure is built to receive the opinions of others, including negative ones.
It is so all the way through thought, emotion, action, belief, etc., we are all structure detemined. We talk about free will, that is structure determined also. The “outcasts” in India do not talk about free will or fight for it. It is not in their structure; resignation is.
So we are in this fundamental way more like a machine than we would like to admit. But, and this is everything, there are two fundamental differences between us and machines and most other living species.
First we are biologic systems, hence subject to change to a large degree. The neurophysiologists call this plasticity.
Second, we ourselves can change ourselves. This is a unique gift of nature or “God” whatever name you give to the mystery that forms life.
At the Retreats we worked hard on building tools for self reflection and change. Do you remember meditation, journaling, dream recording, creative work, somatic centering, language? All of these are practices for self-reflection and change.
But there is one other feature of biologic systems that I must emphasize, the point of this brief essay. It is this: biologic systems change only with recurrence. That is to say that with repetition of a behavior, action, affirmation, thought, reaction, etc, our structure changes. We literally become a different person. It takes time and recurrence but we literally can produce a new structure, a new person. There are limits, of course. I never can become a Barry Bonds or a Maria Callas. But I can build a new Matthew Budd, a new platform for the next set of changes.
Crucial to the whole cycle of progress is practices like those mentioned above, but more important, the practice of practices. Each time that I lead the retreats and go through practices with you, I too practice and grow. I practice listening without judgment, and with compassion, optimism, and faith. In the practice of practices I become stronger and clearer. This same cycle is always available to you also. But only if you practice your individual menu of practices for a more spiritual and loving life.
So, practice!!!
]]>My mother told me I never crawled but went right to walking, for which she was glad. When for some reason I mention this to someone, they look at me with a serious look and tell me it’s important for an infant to crawl. I sometimes wonder how I might be different it I had crawled. Did I miss an important developmental stage?
One day last summer I was perusing books in the library at the retreat center and came across Thoreau’s writing on “Walking.” He begins, “I have met with but one or two persons in the course of my life who understand the art of Walking, that is, of taking walks, — who had a genius, so to speak, for ‘sauntering’: which word is beautifully derived ‘from idle people who roved about the country, in the Middle Ages, and asked for charity, under pretense of going ‘a la Sainte Terre,’ to the Holy Land, till the children exclaimed, ‘There goes a Sainte-Terrer, a Saunterer, a Holy Lander.”
The word, “Saunterer” jumped out at me.
The need for a name change to better express my personal truths and spiritual journey had been coursing through my heart and mind for some time. I thought, hmm, I could change “Saunterer” just a bit and name myself “Saunterre.”
And so I did. At 56 I call myself, Saunterre. People again look at me differently, and so I tell them about Thoreau’s writing on Walking.
Walking as an art. Thoreau said he met with but one or two persons who understood the art of walking. I’d like to consider myself one who considers walking an art. I’d like to consider myself a “Holy Lander.”
Forty-five plus years ago I encouraged my dad to sell the riding mower as I preferred walking the lawn around the 30 plus trees. I’ve been walking lawns ever since, and mowed a labyrinth in our present yard.
The 3 mile round trip walk to classes in Vermont along Route 110 started and ended my days in the profoundness of air and sun and rain and snow and stars. My day slowed down and filled.
Parking my car in a neighborhood and walking into Ann Arbor for errands, business, or pleasure I notice the colored stones someone placed in the wet cement on their sidewalk marking out hopscotch. I’d forgotten that you had to hop a couple of times on one foot before you could land on two. Kind of fun to move my older body like I did on our sidewalk as a kid. The front lawn gardens cheer me as spring approaches and the snow drops appear.
Frigid walks after dinner on our 6/10 mile long driveway through the woods treat me to good exercise, the sound of the crunching snow, the change in body temperature behind a scarf covering most of my face, animal foot prints in the snow, an owl, “Let’s walk it again,” quality time, a space of that which we call time noticed and filled full.
Thoreau says, “They who never go to the Holy Land in their walks, as they pretend, are indeed mere idlers and vagabonds…”
Speed and production 24/7, the ‘Holy Land” according to our culture. A mere idler and vagabond am I. Those voices are loud and pervasive. But I think I go to the “Holy Land.”
Where are we going in our speed and continuous production? I have not been able to find an answer.
This space we call time in which my heart is beating cries out for being noticed. There is a genius in daring to saunter, to risk being part of the blur past which our distressed culture is rushing. The genius for me is a fuller, richer, simpler, larger experience of living.
For being physically able to walk, I am grateful. And of course, Thoreau’s thoughts concerning the art of Walking hold the larger message of the genius of the art of noticing this space of that which we call time in which our hearts are beating. How we notice may put us at odds with a societal norm. People may look at us differently, seriously. We can explain.
]]>We have decided to offer a new Program call the “Level 2 Program”.
The promise of this program is to deepen your learning and practices for living what you learn so that your Well Being, Peace, and Joy in life is enhanced. You will be able to take care of your body in a new and powerful way. Your life will be lived on a new, healthier and holier path.
In the first part, over two months, you will read three carefully selected books and answer via email several carefully designed study questions that bring the material of the books into your life. Your answers will be read and commented on by our staff. Your learning will be under way.
The second part will be a 10-day Retreat at the Chalet. The dates for this Retreat are July 22-August 1. The staff of teachers will include Matt, Molly, Saunterre (some know her as Susan), Bernie Steinberg (a biblical scholar), Cindy O’Dell (a professor of photography at DePauw University), Connie, Roberta Colasante, Alison Shaw, and Lora Cecca Lyons. Each of these people is a profound teacher in their area.
You will leave the retreat with a menu of daily and weekly practices that you design for your learning. You will be clear about your objectives and the practices that will support your growth.
The third part will be the enactment of these practices and the continued discovery of your excellence and wholeness. This period will be for three months. During this time you will have four coaching calls from staff members to assist your continued growth.
The cost of this program is $2795. For a few of you, limited financial aid may be available.
You apply for this program by carefully answering each of these three questions.
Mail your responses to Matt (Matthew.budd@verizon.net) and Molly (mollyhreno@aol.com) by March 1.
We will respond to your application by March 10, 2007.
]]>I wrote the poems below over the last 1 ½ as I desperately tried to once again feel with my heart. My heart felt empty. I could look at a terrible tragedy and know in my mind that something awful had occurred but I could no longer “feel” it with my heart. At first I thought this was wonderful, thinking that I could not handle many more awful events in my life. Unfortunately as time went on I found that if I could not feel the “bad” in my heart then I could also not feel love or joy either. If I could not allow feelings into my heart, I could not offer sincere feelings to others. I felt like a fake. Finally this past summer I discovered that what I was looking for and needed was with me all the time. The veil lifted and like magic I knew that the love I had been searching for was deep inside of me.
For all of my life I have looked to others to provide the love and acceptance I needed and craved. I tried my best to look good (according to others standards), be a good wife, mother, friend, do all the “right” things. But no matter how many people I had in my life who professed to love and care about me, I always felt an empty spot inside that could not be filled. I would shut my eyes and wish that someone would love me in a way that would fill this hole. This year I have learned that the love I have been searching my whole life for was right inside of me. I feel like I have a new best friend who accepts me exactly as I am at anytime. For the first time I get to actually be “real”. Now I know that if I do not love myself fully, accepting all my assets and faults, that no amount of love from others will ever be enough.
This has made a phenomenal difference in how I receive judgments made by others. It is so much easier to see that this is just their opinion, I can think about it or not. The emotional pull is so much less than before. I no longer need their approval to feel good about myself. If a person disagrees with me or decides that they no longer wish to be my friend, I can see that it could be something in them, not in me. I am finally happy to just be myself. I still love and enjoy my friends and family but no longer rely on them to nurture and tend my heart. That is my duty and I plan to provide it with love, kindness, acceptance, joy, patience and an always open ear.
]]>My heart is trapped
Inside a tomb
Nothing in, nothing out
No way to shout
I long to have feelings again
But something within me
Won’t let them in
My spirit is waiting
Impatient with me
As I peel off layer upon layer
Trying to get free
My mind blocks my way
Ego wants all the say
I know this is not my true self
Wishing to put ego away on a shelf
My mind seems so strong
Intuition so weak
I long and long just for a peek
I know this is false
But my mind demands proof
I talk to my spirit everyday
And hope and pray that it
Can hear what I say
To banish ego from my body
Is my goal
Before it takes the ultimate toll
My heart, frozen in the scarred terrain
Was protecting my body from anymore pain.
I had found a rhythm to get through life,
Moving forward without strain or strife.
When quite suddenly you entered my space,
Easily lighting up my soul and my face.
The ice round my heart which was just like a tomb,
Ever slowly started melting and then my heart bloomed.
The bloom was frightened to once again be above
And prayed with openness for nurturing and love.
The days turned to weeks and the bloom did grow
But still it was delicate and fragile just pushing up from the snow.
As its roots started to spread and grow strong in the earth,
You came and attacked it with words that truly hurt.
You trampled the bloom with criticism and judgments
When all it had offered you was caring abundance.
And now the bloom is crushed back down in the snow,
Confused and scared about which way to go.
For if a bloom is to grow strong and tall and radiant
It needs someone to care for it with kindness and patience.
Past participant Ann Gang was a featured poet in The Survivor’s Review, an online journal encouraging the creative expression of cancer survivors. Their goal is to publish stories, essays and poems that are powerful, poignant and unflinchingly honest. They also hope to encourage all survivors to use writing as a tool for emotional and physical healing. In each issue, guest contributors offer ideas and prompts to get you started.
http://www.survivorsreview.org/
by Ann Gang
The train started down the tracks, slowly at first;
No one believed what the possibilities might be.
Can you come to the office; can you bring your husband?
Oh no, I said, I’m strong, he is too far to travel – how bad can it be
The train continued down the tracks beginning to gain speed.
I sat in the office and noticed my grandparents by the window.
As I started to ask them why they were here
My head turned to an unfamiliar word
what?
who?
me?
The train was coming faster and faster, choo choo, choooo choooo.
No one warned me that I was standing in the middle of the tracks.
Directions and definitions were given,
perhaps my grandparents could hear them
I couldn’t
the sound of the train whistle was deafening.
Options were mentioned but had no meaning,
The word ‘metastases’ was Greek
I was still back at the reason for my grandparent’s visit.
The sparks were flying from the wheels of the train as I felt the
darkness closing in.
The doctor finished his speech although I was no longer there.
This was wrong, it was cruel, it wasn’t me.
He checked the report and confirmed that it was so,
while the train was getting closer and closer.
I turned to my grandparents for comfort and solace,
but they were gone.
Before I could realize what had happened, the bright light of the
engine was upon me.
My mouth dropped in fright and the tears began to flow as the train
barreled across my soul.
Ann was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2004. This poem was written during her healing retreat as a response to how she felt when she first heard the words, ‘you have cancer’. During that retreat, Sharon Bray released my inner voice from its dungeons when she guided my pen to paper.
Excerpts from her writings appear in Sharon Bray’s, When Words Heal.